From 1995 to 2005, I coached people including hundreds of teens and parents on processes for making decisions, resolving conflict, creating teamwork, and sharing satisfactory life experiences. I now coach mostly adult individuals, but the subject of creating and maintaining “satisfying relationships” is central to us all.
Here are some interesting ideas for those of you who want to enjoy your life and relationships a bit or a lot more. A rather long entry but I think you’ll find some juicy reminders!
Photo: Self-Expressions/iPhone/Coyote Karrick
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Sarah Newton was trained in “Restorative Justice” during her years as a police officer in the UK and currently is a coach for parents and teens. Here’s a link to HER BLOG. The following is a an overview of some of her speaking points from one of her recent radio shows.
Sarah Newton’s ideas on parenting and creating a peaceful home:
- “It’s not about getting your child to do what you want them to do…it’s not from a control place [that you can really influence your child].”
- “People don’t fail…systems that we are using fail. What’s the system here that isn’t working?”
- “I love conflict because it shows you what’s not working and without it we’d never grow and become a better parent.”
- “Remember that all we can ever effect is our own reaction…we can’t get someone else to do something we want unless there’s physical force which I’m sure you don’t want.”
- “As parents we go to these places…how can I ensure my child does what I want them to do?…we have an overriding need to fix our child…we want to win…or to avoid blame…What we can do is just see we went to one of these places [she talks about how she herself can go there too at times]…and move to, ‘How can I restore harmony?’”
- “To be able to have an impact on [your child] you have to have a connection and relationship.”
[She recommended the Enneagram to a mother who was struggling to connect with her 20 year old college son and gave her the website: Enneagram Institute].
- “A lot of conflict is because we don’t understand another person’s point of view and we don’t understand our point of view. If we use the Enneagram or another resource to start understanding them [and ourselves!], then we stop trying to make their point of view wrong.”
- “If you haven’t got any kind of communication and relationship going…you can’t use this [restorative justice process]. Work on connection first.” [I'd add here that the first connection needs to be with yourself, with a clear understanding of your feelings, your thoughts, your actions, and how they show up in your energy and bodily reactions too. Basically before you can connect with anyone else you have to get to a more 'chill' centered place in you!].
- “It’s a collaboration process…and there are boundaries. For example, your child is swearing at you, that’s a ‘do not swear at me…’ I recommend the ‘choice and state technique.’” [She gives a laundry issue between parent and child - see her website or book for her specific examples].
- “We can stay really really calm and say, ‘OK I’m not going to this place with you,’…we may try to rationalize and then we throw more fuel on the fire…instead we can say, ‘It may not look fair to you but this is what I will do and this is what I won’t do…this is what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable [to me]…’”
- “Remember to put water on the fire. Start notice what is happening in your body so before you get really wound up and lose it…instead you can stop yourself.”
- “Take time…I say, ‘I need to go an have a think.’” [She's British].
- “Ask yourself, ‘Is what I am about to do going to move me closer or further away from my teenager?’ What you might just do is STOP, even if you don’t have something else to do…”
- “Some parents ask everything when it should be a tell, and some tell everything when it should be an ask. As a parent become very clear between your asks and your tells. Then your child will become clear…they won’t always try to negotiate with you.”
[Response to a caller who asked about enforcing curfews]
- “I don’t like curfews…it’s controlling…I like agreements. But, when you think of curfew you can ask, ‘What do I really want?’…it’s probably safety that you want. [She gives this example with her own child]: ‘Here’s what I want…what agreement can we make?’ She’s 11 and she manages her own bedtime. If she wasn’t able to manage this, I would take this back and say, ‘I’m going to manage your bedtime until we can set up another agreement that works for all of us.’”
- “I always think you put a remedy in place first and then a penalty. It’s there to teach them not to punish them.”
- “I’ve talked to parents that have no rules…hundreds of them…and have no problems with their children. They have children who have learned how to take responsibility for their own choices.”
- “When there is conflict: Aim to reconnect (1st aim). Not to find blame just connect.” [I recommend to reconnect in this order: 1st with yourself and your sense of calm center (taking as long as needed), and 2nd with the other person in this case your child.]
- “Accept that conflict is normal [we all see things differently and ALWAYS WILL!], stop blaming, stop going into victim mode, we move into a new place, relaxing, and we stop striving for a conflict free life…it’s natural…Ask, ‘How is this going to grow the relationship?’ If you just stop and ask yourself that question you will find you would do something else.”
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Try on this thought, “My child, friend, lover, co-worker, etc., has an inner-compass of their own and it’s not my job to decipher or agree with what they think is best for them. I make it my job to understand what I want and be as clear as I can be in expressing it through my energy, my words, and my actions. I can choose to feel good whether I end up influencing them or not.”
What’s amazing is that people who feel good often do have a wide influence!
I know that life can be a delicious adventure, so I've embarked on a quest to know it as such through experience. In the process, I'm learning to get out of my own way and laugh more. My intention is not to tell you "the" way, there are many ways and your inner-resources and personal experience can guide you. However, something here may inspire you to seek a direction or follow an idea that already resonates for you. I wish you the best conditions for your life adventure. Love, Coyote Karrick
You might as well decide to start enjoying your life right now, because it’s not ever going to get better than right now–until it gets better right now! - Abraham-Hicks 
The purpose of our lives is to be happy.
- Dalai Lama
Truth resides in every human heart, and one has to search for it there, and to be guided by truth as one sees it. – Mahatma Gandhi
I consider waking up and living a life designed by my Inner-Compass the biggest adventure of all. - Coyote
